DANCE with Grief
The first time I experienced the passing of a friend, I was 14. She was a classmate who I had grown up with, romping around in our rural Texas town, playing T-ball, swimming at the local country club pool, and attending each other’s birthday parties. But in our mid-adolescence, we had grown apart. Her passing was more of a shock than anything.
The last time I experienced the loss of a loved one, was over 20 years ago with the passing of my grandfather. Due to his persistent cardiovascular issues, his passing did not come as a surprise. Nonetheless, I experienced a long-lingering regret over the years for not showing him how much I cared for him while he was alive.
With the recent passing of our dear colleague, Brook Golling, I was grief-stricken more than ever before in my lifetime. Suddenly I found myself being tossed around in an emotional washing machine, unfamiliar with the turbulent ebb and flow of grief.
Our busy American culture does not teach a healthy approach to dealing with loss. At best, it offers minimal support and understanding. Typical bereavement leave in the U.S. is one-to-three days for immediate and second-degree relatives. But what about close friends and colleagues; those whom we feel close to, like “family”? For these extended “family” members, a typical allowance is up to four hours of bereavement; time enough to attend a funeral or memorial service. At most, our culture allows a brief pause to reflect and mourn and then it’s onto business as usual. But luckily, in the past year, bereavement guidelines are being re-evaluated in an attempt to change social constructs around the grieving process.
It is said that “time heals”. I would add that knowledge assists in the healing process as well. Being aware of and understanding the phases of grief and doing things to support the body, mind and spirit, can add solace to our emotional journey, whether it be the ending of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or a tragic loss of property. Listed below is information and tools I have found that can help harmonize the dance with grief.
The Five Movements of Grief. Known as the Five Stages of Grief.
I say “movements” instead of “stages” because everyone is unique in their own process and can experience the various waves of grief at different times. All of these emotions are valid and healthy responses when grieving loss.
Denial. This is usually the first reaction when learning about a terminal prognosis, the end of a relationship or the news of a death. A healthy expression of denial doesn’t mean you’re delusional or unreasonable. It’s a natural response of the emotional body when coping with traumatic news.
Anger. Be aware that during this phase you can feel emotionally scraped and short-tempered. Create a safe container for yourself to feel this very valid emotion. Do your best to express it in a healthy, empowering way. Delegate tasks and share the load of responsibility with others on the days or moments that you are feeling “on-edge”.
Negotiation. Pleading with God or the person who has left. Fantastical bargaining for things to return as the way they were before the tragedy or loss. Often joined with denial. Someone who is temporarily trying to negotiate an impasse is a natural response to grief. It does not mean they are delusional.
Catharsis. This Greek-derived term literally means “cleansing”. A healthy approach to grief is to channel the emotions through creative expression such as writing, painting, dance, song, etc. Blocked emotion can create depression resulting in relational or health crises. Acupuncture and Reiki are gentle modalities that are excellent for releasing emotional energies.
Embrace (Acceptance). Resolution to carry on with a sense of hope and promise in loving memory of the past.
Supportive Flower Essences for Grief
Over the past months, I have been studying the beneficial nuances of Flower Essences as they offer a graceful accompaniment to my practice of Reiki-Energy work. These “subtle liquid extracts, generally taken in oral form, are used to address profound issues of emotional well-being, soul development, and mind-body health”.¹ Below are some that I have found to be beneficial.
Agrimony - Addresses denial of emotional pain and hiding of emotions.
Bleeding Heart - To release a relationship that has ended or the death of a loved one.
Borage - Upliftment of heart with courage; a heart balm for grief.
Star of Bethlehem - Calming and soothing after shock of death or tragedy.
Forget Me Not - Being at peace about the death of a loved one; transforming an earthly relationship into a spiritual one.
Gemstone Therapy for Grief
The gemstone amber can also assist in coping with grief. Amber as “a form of solidified sunlight… first created by the synthesis of light by plants and trees”² warms the inner Being. It carries the vibration of life force and puts us in touch with inner strength and security. It creates an energizing effect to both the sacral (emotional center) and solar plexus (power center) chakras. Carry it on your person in a pocket or wear it as a jewelry piece.
It is here that I want to emphasize the importance of a healthy grieving process. If we do not allow ourselves the space, time and process of healing, repressed energies can become lodged in the emotional body, and ultimately in the physical body, thus creating an energetical disturbance that can result in the break-down of well-being and good health.
A healthy grieving process cannot be rushed. If anything, the added stress of coping with funeral preparations and expenses along with closing of the deceased’s accounts, etc. requires extra time for the process. Self-care is exceptionally important. Mindful care of the vagus nerve is imperative. If you struggle with setting aside time for self-care, I invite you to consider adding The “NO” Exercise to your practice of good health. Use it decrease stress in support of your overall well-being.
Lastly, hugs are also good for soothing grief. Hugs release oxytocin, promote calmness and relaxation, and help reduce inflammation in the body. Humans are social animals and social bonding is an essential need for all of us. Let hugs abound!
In peace and well-being,
Natasha Sol
1. Patricia Kaminski and Richard Katz, Flower Essence Repertory (Flower Essence Society, 1986-1996), 3.
2. Naisha Ahsian and Robert Simmons, The Book of Stones (North Atlantic Books and Heaven and Earth Publishing LLC, 2005-2007), 24-25.